This will be a longer blog entry than usual. It deals with a rare, but terrifying situation.

This is an excerpt from a letter I received.

“How do you learn to live with the fear of being killed. My husband and I survived the attempt on our lives by my ex-husband. Our daughter, 13 at the time, is the biological daughter of the criminal. He is in prison now, but his family has threatened my life. Fear has disabled me and depression has enveloped me. My daughter is now 17 and needs me.”

It sounds as though you and your family are living a nightmare. I'm so sorry that the trauma is ongoing. I'm sure you are doing everything the police have advised. You should also ask if they can provide any extra protection for you. Sometimes police departments have emergency cell phones they can give to people in your situation.

If you cannot get one from the police, each of you should get a cell phone and program it to speed-dial 911. You can also program it to contact someone close to you that you trust.

Look for exit strategies where ever you are. Be prepared to yell loudly should you see anyone that seems threatening. Carry a whistle around your neck and use it if you feel threatened. The stronger you can help yourself to feel, the less of a victim you will be.

The most drastic measure, but one you might want to seriously consider, would be changing your identities and relocating. The prosecutor's office may be able to help you do this.

Also, I have heard there is an underground network of people who are willing to help those in domestic violence situations "get lost." Your local battered women's shelter should have that information.

While it may seem to be almost impossible to do, it will be important to ensure that all of you care for yourselves emotionally. Crisis intervention treatment might help as would learning some relaxation techniques that can help you get through your days with less difficulty. Being under chronic stress can be debilitating physically also, so be sure to care for yourselves through healthy eating and exercise.

Your daughter may need counseling at some point to cope with the reality of what her father did. Often the biological children of those who do terrible things feel as though they are tainted in some way, since they share part of their genetic makeup with that person. It can be important to separate out what that person did from who that person is.

Hope Makes Healing Possible!

Patricia Sherman, Ph.D., LCSW

I will answer this question from two different perspectives.

If you had always known about the abuse, then the difficulty can sometimes be related to having grown so used to it, that it's difficult to realize that it has stopped. It has always been so much a part of your identity that it can be hard to know who you are apart from the abuse.

If, on the other hand, you had repressed the memories of the abuse and then subsequently reconnected to the reality of the abuse, then the challenge is to integrate the fact of having been abused into your view of yourself and your childhood.

In either case, it will probably be important to seek out help from both a therapist and other survivors.

You can look through some of my previous blog entries to learn about some different therapeutic approaches that may be helpful.

Hope Makes Healing Possible!

Patricia Sherman, Ph.D., LCSW

Eye movement Desensitization Reprocessing, or EMDR, is a type of psychotherapy treatment used to help trauma patients.

EMDR uses a 3 step process to help trauma patients remember and process memories of a traumatic event so they can move past the event.

The 3 steps in the EMDR process are:

• Processing the past traumatic event that led to the current state of dysfunction.

• Focusing on the current state of dysfunction and desensitizing the current state’s triggers.

• Picturing positive images of future events and developing skills to create a positive future.

Check back for more on EMDR, including the 8 phases of EMDR treatment.

 Hope Makes Healing Possible!

Patricia Sherman, Ph.D., LCSW

*Written in collaboration with Jessica Hicks